are you 1 too?

weird.

2010-04-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

I once dreamed I was in this amazing sandwich shop. I got my sandwich and commenced eating. To my surprise there was a daddy long-leg spider in place of the sprouts. I was disgusted. When I awoke, I went to the shower. There was a daddy long-leg on the wall. that was a weird day.

Finding Happiness...

2010-02-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well. I wish i could say that I had found it. I am searching. I had a mini (ok maybe it was a bit larger than a min) emotional breakdown tonight. So naturally my first instinct is to spew all that emotion and frustrations onto a blog that will be sent across the internet for the whole world to read, or the 2 or 3 of you who still do. Anyway, tonight I hit a tipping point, the point that I could no longer feel like everything in my life was all happiness and rainbows. It culminated sadly at the two people in my life who love me and care for my emotional wellness, but unfortunately we all live together and sometimes that makes emotions run deep.

I love them. They are literally the best friends that I have. And they are good to me. They listen and hug and care and drive my ass places because I made stupid decisions and no longer have a car. And all in all they are really good friends. And I am lucky to have them in my life, damn lucky. But at the same time I am lacking interactions with friends and people other than these two. So after many many weekends of following them around and tagging along to things they have planned, I hit an emotional wall. I can't live the life that I have anymore. I love them, but I cannot be a 3rd wheel in their relationship any longer. And I long to have and hang out with people who are interested in what I have to say and want to be around me. I used to have that. I used to have tons of friends and people that cared to call and make plans and have wonderful times and experiences with. But they are gone. The friends I do have now are reduced to a number (it's 737 to be exact) of trophy friends. Friends who when I do see them we are honestly happy to see each other but the friendship never amounts to much more than an "like" on a facebook status or a quick chat online.

I just feel out of place here in SLC, in my home, and honestly in myself. I am lacking connections and I feel like my life has been reduced to going to a job that I really cannot stand, all the while trying to save to move to some far away city to try to chase a dream I am not even sure I am talented enough to compete at, then coming home eating dinner and then going to bed and doing the same crap all over again. Oh and did I mention that the place I work barely has enough money to cover our paychecks sometimes pushing payday weeks later than scheduled. Yup it sucks and I am done.

How did I become this person? How did I get this life of looming loneliness? I just need a change of scenery. I keep thinking that at least if I relocated to a new city I would have the task of creating a career for myself and thus distracting myself from "real life." But I am here and I can't just move and start over, mostly because of finances and responsibilities here for a little while. And while I know that running away is not the answer to my problems, it does sound appealing. I hope though somewhere someone wants to be more than just a number on a website and actually cares enough to get to know me and be a friend when I am really needing some.

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

(click on image to enlarge)

|| Hilarious ||

2009-12-18T07:50:00.001-08:00

|| Classic ||

2009-12-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

|| Maine Governor Baldacci on Question 1 ||

2009-10-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

Maine's Governor John Baldacci who previously was against Same Sex Marriage, spoke with Rachel Maddow yesterday about Maine's Question 1. This ballot measure seeks to take away rights to same sex couples in Maine. Last spring Maine's Legislature passed a bill that granted Marriage rights to Same Sex Couples and Governor Baldacci signed the bill into law. Groups against same sex marriage then started collecting signatures to have a measure on the ballot to repeal that Law. Please watch this video of a very brave and honest politician who understands the constitution and it's role in protecting rights for ALL citizens.

|| Hard Graft: iPhone pouch ||

2009-10-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

I love this little Hard Graft phone pouch. The material has a rustic yet elegant feel and the leather money pouch sewn on the side makes this carrying case an all in one. What more do you need. While the prices are based on the Euro, the company ships worldwide. Gotta get me one of these. Also the photography on these products is gorgeous.

http://shop.hardgraft.com/product/dapper-phone-pouch

|| Judy Shepard's Thoughts ||

2009-10-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

President Obama signed the Hate Crimes Bill into law today. And while the bill does not automatically stop hate crimes, it does provide protection for victims of hate crimes by allowing the federal government to charge an individual for a hate crime when a state has no such law. I recently finished the book "The Meaning of Matthew" by Judy Shepard.

If you have not read it, or you think that a hate crimes bill is useless, then I suggest that you read this book. Actually, it is imperative that you read this book. I never really understood myself why hate crimes legislation was important until I read the story of a mother who lost her son in brutal violence only to, in the height of despair, turn her mourning into action for a community that she had previously only had limited contact with. When this crime happened to Matthew Shepard I was 18 years old and sadly I must have been so engrossed in my own life that I do not remember seeing the story on any of the news. I first heard of his story from my college choir teacher a few years later. This teacher taught choir at the University of Wyoming when Matthew was a student there. Never the less Matthew's story is OUR story, because it could have been any one of us tied to that fence that night. Judy Shepard has become one of my heroes, and today I celebrate with her and the LGTB community in a small victory. It may not be full equality...yet. But today we have won a small battle and I thank Judy and many many others for taking on the battle.

Here are Judy's thoughts on today's historic events and how our work has only just begun...

"When Dennis and I started calling 10 years ago for federal action to prevent and properly prosecute hate crimes against gay, lesbian and transgendered Americans, we never imagined it would take this long," said Judy Shepard, Matthew's mother and the president of the Matthew Shepard Foundation Board of Directors.

"The legislation went through so many versions and so many votes that we had to constantly keep our hopes in check to keep from getting discouraged," she continued. "But with President Obama's support and the continually growing bipartisan majorities in the House and Senate lining up behind the bill this year, it became clear that 2009 was the year it would finally happen."

The legislation allows federal authorities to pursue charges in violent crimes motivated by the victim's actual or perceived sexual orientation, gender, gender identity and disability, in cases where local authorities cannot or will not secure appropriate convictions. It also opens up federal aid to local law enforcement for training, prevention and investigation.

"We are incredibly grateful to Congress and the president for taking this step forward on behalf of hate crime victims and their families, especially given the continuing attacks on people simply for living their lives openly and honestly," Shepard added. "But each of us can and must do much more to ensure true equality for all Americans."

The Matthew Shepard Foundation's work for an inclusive society continues after passage of this landmark legislation. In addition to advocating for workplace and housing equality, equal rights for same-sex couples, and an end to the ban on gay and lesbian military service, the Foundation continues to reach out to schools and corporations nationwide to encourage respect for human dignity and differences.

|| Coincidence? Maybe... ||

2009-10-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

So today lots of news outlets were reporting that Govenor Schwarzenegger sent out the letter i have posted below along with a bill he vetoed to the California Legislature. The letter which outlines why the Govenor vetoed the bill also containes a very frank message if you read the letters vertically down the left side. Whether, the Governor did this purposfully or not, (he is saying this was an accident) I am just pointing out that I am sure future letters will be combed over to make sure no such offensive phrases are contained within...

|| Another Hate Crimes Post ||

2009-10-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

I feel this is a big deal. And So I wanted to post a few more videos that discussed the Hate Crimes Legislation that is heading to President Obama for signing. The first is from Judy Shepard.

The second is from Anderson Cooper 360. And features Dan Savage. It was Dan the broke the story of my exhibit at BYU and I am always interested in what he has to say. Anyway, just thought these videos were worth a watch.

|| Matthew Shepard Act heads to Obama ||

2009-10-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

Congress passed the Matthew Shepard Act today and the bill will now go to the desk of President Obama, who has already pledged to sign the bill into law. Eleven years after young Matthew Shepard was tied to a fence and beaten to death the bill that bares his name is finally going to be made into law. Congratulations Judy Shepard! Thank you for making your life work the betterment of the LGTB community. http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/10/22/hate.crimes/index.html

We were at a book signing and meet and greet with Judy Shepard just a few weeks ago in Salt Lake City. Here is a video of that event from Booktv. Judy Shepard is a great ally and advocate for the LGTB community. In her speech she implored each of us to share our stories. I have thought how we could do that. Today I want to extend that invitation to all of my readers by inviting all of you, to send me your story. Send me why it is important to you that the LGTB community receive equal rights, how you feel about the Matthew Shepard Act, your coming out story. I will post them here. You decide if you are anonymous or not. Let's add our voices to the many that came before us and share our story. In the last year we have seen a lot of advances in the gay community, but we need to keep the momentum going.

|| A Suprising Supporter of Equality ||

2009-10-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

Philip Spooner is a lifetime Republican, World War II veteran and, to everyone's surprise, a gay marriage supporter. Watch this American War vet and True American support equality for all American Citizens--according to Spooner, there's nothing more American than fighting for equality.

|| CAUTION...Don't wear this ||

2009-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

So today while trying to decide what to be for Halloween I came across this wonderful costume. All I have to say is don't EVER let your over weight friends go as a BEER KEG. It is wrong and it offends my eyes.

|| Rachel Maddow on Maine's Prop 1 ||

2009-10-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

|| It is TIME for a Federal Hate Crimes Bill!! ||

2009-10-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if you've seen this video of an anti-gay beating caught on tape in New York, but it's pretty disturbing:

I just sent the video to my senators, and I hope you will too. The Senate is about to cast its final vote on a hate crimes bill that would protect to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people against attacks like this.

We can't wait a day longer for them to send the bill to President Obama for signature.

On this page, you can send an automatic message to both of your senators with the video in it.

https://secure3.convio.net/hrc/site/Advocacy?id=598&pagename=homepage&autologin=true

|| PREVIEW: 8 The Mormon Proposition ||

2009-10-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

This is a trailer for the new Reed Cowan documentary that explores Proposition 8 and tell the story of how prop 8 effected many Mormons and LDS members of the LGTB community. I have many friends who went and interviewed for this film. I am interested in seeing how the film is received and what tone the director sets. Here is a little sneak peek.

Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

|| Modern DREAM Apartment ||

2009-10-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

If my good friend Marcus Hamblin can help design a place like this for me I will be a happy happy man. I the how inviting this room feels with crisp modern lines. Take note marcus, someday I will have you design my house and studio.

|| Moleskine Yearly Planner ||

2009-10-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love moleskine planners and sketch journals. Well now moleskine has released a bundle of planners, 12 individual planners for each month. I cant wait to pick these up and really start 2010 right. Click here.

Drum Roll Please...

2009-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

This is the Place! Areyou1too has it's own little corner to call home:

www.areyou1too.com

Please update your bookmarks/links and spread the word!

As always, thank you so much for your readership and support. I have big plans for this blog and am excited for the journey ahead! Please be posted for upcoming blog posts about design, art, politics and all things funny and entertaining!

this is hilarious!

2009-08-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

This is funny...

2009-05-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

This showed up on my ads on facebook yesterday. I had to take a screen capture of it because it was too ironic...

Take That George Bush...

2009-03-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know it is not ALL George Bush's fault that we have a crappy economy. But we have to blame someone right? Anyway take that! I got a job today! WOO HOO! I wish it was in photography, but it is not. But it will allow me to move to SLC and (hopefully) save money to move to NYC. Anyway, I will be providing customer service support for a company called nextfitness.com. Anyway, I start next week and I am really excited. The company is small, so there a going to be a lot of opportunities to be promoted and such! I had a strong feeling a few days ago that things were going to start looking up! I seriously love my life right now! I am so happy with my friends and excited to move to Salt Lake. Life is good!

The Oscars...

2009-02-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

Dustin Lance Black is amazing. I know that there is a lot of buzz in the moho world about Dustin lately. His acceptance speech was incredibly moving. Likewise, I wanted to post videos of Dustin and Sean Penn in the Press Room after the Oscars.

2009-02-10T20:26:00.001-08:00

Marc Broussard is A-MAZING

2009-01-13T23:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see Marc Broussard at The Depot with my friends Nathan, D and Marques. All I have to say is Marc Broussard Rocks! We had so much fun dancing and singing along! Anyway, if you don't know who he is, here is your homework assignment....

Because I am also a Sara Bareilles' fan here is a video of Marc and Sara singing Many the Miles...

Dustin Lance Black Interview...

2008-12-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

This is a great interview of Dustin Lance Black, the screenwriter for MILK. Watch this! It is long, but worth the watch... This is only half of the entire interview. Click on the "watch full program" button in the left hand corner to watch the entire interview...

Dustin Lance Black is a screenwriter, director, and film and television producer best known for his work on the television series Big Love and the 2008 film Milk.

An Update...

2008-12-09T18:31:00.001-08:00

I am pleased to be able to report that my Fine Art Photography project is back on display at BYU.

As many of you know, it was removed without notice to me last Friday. I posted a response to that action on this personal blog as well as my photography blog. While I was of course frustrated that the work was removed, I also hoped that it, and this situation, would prompt more discussion. This has now happened, and I'm very pleased about it.

Today BYU released an official statement which reads in part as follows:

"A miscommunication among administrators of BYU's College of Fine Arts and Communications led to a student's photography project being removed late Friday afternoon. When that action became apparent after the weekend, college administrators reviewed the decision. Because the project does not violate BYU's Honor Code, the photographs were re-hung with the student's permission Tuesday afternoon."

I thank the leadership of BYU's College of Fine Arts and Communications for their willingness to reconsider and then reverse the initial decision to remove the artwork. The whole point of my project and the exhibit was to promote dialogue and discussion and, I hoped, increased understanding among those who might otherwise feel their differences were too great to overcome. I think the administration's action has been a good example of that increased understanding. I hope that all students, faculty, staff and guests who can now view the project again will follow that example and will also be prompted to the same kind of respectful consideration, tolerance and willingness to reconsider personal perspectives.

Just a Quick Note...

2008-12-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

Because this blog was intended as a place to write my personal thoughts about my life, I have decided to remove the posts from this site and refer all traffic to my professional photography blog. This was done out of respect to my friends and family. If you would like to view the images that were associated with the Fine Art Photography show at BYU please follow this link...

I am currently enrolled at BYU and wish to finish my education here. As long as I am enrolled as a student, I have a responsibility to abide by BYU's honor code. This is the ethical and honest thing to do. I would hope that all individuals would realize that this project was produced in the spirit of love and respect for all parties involved. It is my hope that my artists statement for this body of work would allow for a reflection on the what it is to support all people of any religious background, race, or sexual orientation. May we all strive to live by the golden rule and treat others the way we wish to be treated.

Censorship Sucks...

2008-12-05T22:03:00.001-08:00

“Civilization is the process in which one gradually increases the number of people included in the term ‘we’ or ‘us’ and at the same time decreases those labeled ‘you’ or ‘them’ until that category has no one left in it.”

- Howard Winters

These portraits are of BYU students who identify themselves as homosexual and a person that supports them. This support person could be a family member, friend or may also identify themselves as homosexual and both people may provide support to each other. I have not included labels with these portraits as I feel that labels only create separation and division and further ungrounded stereotypes. We never know who may identify themselves as homosexual and I felt that not labeling these images would force us as a society to question what it is to be homosexual.

This project for me became a journey of truth and enlightenment. I see a bit of myself in each of these portraits. When looking at these images one may see their friends, their family, or a classmates I admire the individuals who were brave enough to become the faces of this project – Thank you for your time and honesty.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” This is an amazing philosophy that suggests that change starts within each of us. It is my hope that this body of work will be a vehicle for tolerance, support, love and change.

More Portraits...

2008-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Here are a few more images from my portrait project for my Fine Art class. The show goes up tomorrow in the HFAC on BYU campus. Go check it out. Here is my artist statement for the show...

“Civilization is the process in which one gradually increases the number of people included in the term ‘we’ or ‘us’ and at the same time decreases those labeled ‘you’ or ‘them’ until that category has no one left in it.”
- Howard Winters

These portraits are of BYU students who identify themselves as homosexual and a person that supports them. This support person could be a family member, friend or may also identify themselves as homosexual and both people may provide support to each other. I have not included labels with these portraits as I feel that labels only create separation and division and further ungrounded stereotypes. We never know who may identify themselves as homosexual and I felt that not labeling these images would force us as a society to question what it is to be homosexual.
This project for me became a journey of truth and enlightenment. I see a bit of myself in each of these portraits. When looking at these images one may see their friends, their family, or a classmates I admire the individuals who were brave enough to become the faces of this project – Thank you for your time and honesty.
Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” This is an amazing philosophy that suggests that change starts within each of us. It is my hope that this body of work will be a vehicle for tolerance, support, love and change.

Fine Art Portrait Project

2008-11-16T11:22:00.001-08:00

These are some of the final images for my fine art photography project. These portraits are of students of BYU who identify themselves as homosexual and a person that supports them. With all of the dissenting views regarding this topic in the past few months I have felt very strongly about this project. The portraits will be shown in pairs. The idea is that there are gay and lesbian individuals not only in the Mormon culture, but also at BYU. I also chose to photograph someone who is a support to this person. This could be a family member or friend. This support person may also identify themselves as homosexual and both people may provide support to each other. I am not telling the viewer who identifies themselves as homosexual, because I hope the viewer will realize that placing a label with the portrait only creates divisions in our society and furthers stereotypes. It is my hope this body of work can be a vehicle for tolerance, support, love and change.

I photographed all the portraits using similar lighting and cropping. I also used a tilt shift lens to achieve selective focus, so that the subjects eyes are the only part of the image in focus. This was purposefully done to force the viewer to look in the eyes of these individuals. I hope that through this project we can realize that all men (and women) are created equal in the eyes of God.

Protests in Salt Lake City

2008-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

Supporters of Prop 8 in Utah tonight gathered in Salt Lake City to protest the LDS church's involvement in the initiative to ban same sex marriage in California. Here is a news Photos from the protest.

Protests in California.

2008-11-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

So tonight I have been following the protest in L.A. regarding the passing of Proposition 8. Let me just say that while I know that many Mormon's I know will be angry with this protest in front of the L.A. Temple, I have to say they shouldn't be surprised. I wasn't and actually I am a bit happy that the LGTB community is not shrinking back! Anyway, so as I was listening to the broadcast online it froze up. When I flipped over from my work to see what happened, this is what i saw. I had to take a screen capture and post it on here. I laughed out loud, which was nice for a change with all that has happened in the last few days...

I am kind of irked that not one of the leading news stations is covering this, and that yahoo's featured story is something to do with Barack Obama and football. Don't get me wrong I am excited that Barack Obama won, but really is it that important what he thinks about football? How about we cover the REAL issues! Here is a picture from the protest, in case you haven't seen any. Which would mean you read my blog from MARS. :)

BYU Portrait Project

2008-10-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I have been working on a project for a Photography class. I am decided that I should post some of these images here as well. I think right now this issue is especially important. As Prop 8 and other similar initiatives go to vote on November 4th, I think it is important for the Mormon and BYU community to know that there are members who identify themselves as Gay or Lesbian. Below is a portion of the artist statement that I wrote in preparation for this project.

When thinking of what to do for my projects for this class I could not get this out of my head. I knew I had to photograph Gay BYU students and someone that supports them. I decided that I must do something to help educate individuals on campus and throughout the Mormon community that there are people in our BYU community who are gay and need understanding support as fellow children of God.

Within the project itself, I plan on photographing as many of these individuals as feel comfortable. I also want to photograph several prominent supporters and parents of people who identify themselves as gay and lesbian individuals. The main premise of my project is that I want to challenge the idea of what it is to be homosexual. I know that many of these individuals struggle to fit in at BYU and in the Mormon culture. I just want to try to break down some of the barriers that these individuals and families face every day. I plan on showing the images in groups of 2 or 3 printed together. I am not going to state whether the individual identifies themselves as gay or straight, but hope that the viewer will come to the conclusion that many people around us may be gay or lesbian and that as a society we need to be more understanding of the challenges that these people face.

Portraits Project...

2008-09-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today in my Fine art class we had to present our ideas for our projects. I submitted my idea that I posted about in previous post, and the idea was well received. So i am going to be starting my project, but I need some help.

The premise of the project is that you don't really know who could be gay or lesbian. As stated in the other post, I am going to shoot close up portraits. I would like as many people to participate as possible. So if you feel comfortable with having your picture taken, I would love to have you participate. These images will be hung in the HFAC on BYU campus. It is my hope that these images will open up a discussion on GLTB issues in the LDS culture and BYU Environment. If you live in Utah and want to participate please email me or comment on this blog post. Also if you are not in utah, but will be between the months of september to the middle of november we could set up a shoot during any free time you may have. I also need supporters of GLTB Latter-Day Saint individuals. So if your family or a friend would be willing to participate that would be awesome.

Also, if you do participate I would be willing to trade pictures for your time and effort. I feel really strongly that this project needs to happen right now. I am excited to work on it. Thanks for those of you have been willing to participate and have contacted me so far.

Article and Website

2008-08-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article today online (You can find the article here) and I found this website through the article. I thought it was worth posting here, just to make it easier for everyone else to read it. And I thought there was some good stuff shared on the website.

http://ldshomosexuality.com/

Gay Ed 101

2008-08-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

This is just a funny video from Youtube...Happy Friday!

We can change history for gay LDS

2008-08-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

I came across this article in the Salt Lake Tribune today. I thought it was worth posting here on my blog.

We can change history for gay LDS
By: Carol Lynn Pearson

Reading the various reviews of the new LDS Church-authorized book, Massacre at Mountain Meadows, prompts me to stand as witness for another tragic killing of a group of people in our community for which - when we have the benefit of history - we will be deeply ashamed.

The insidious thing about this killing is that we manage - though it would break our hearts to know it - to get the unfortunate ones to pick up the gun and kill themselves. I speak of the suicides of our LDS gay brothers (occasionally sisters) in a number that far exceeds the 120 members of the Fancher party.

Each victim at Mountain Meadows had walking beside him a man poised to raise his gun and shoot. History will show that the gay men of whom I speak had walking beside them a dark shadow impersonating God, a shadow that gave them misinformation about who they were, misinformation that most of us now acknowledge was both dead wrong and deadly: "Homosexuality is often caused by masturbation . . . may lead to bestiality . . . caused by selfishness . . . electric shock will set you right . . . a good woman . . . reparative therapy . . . fasting and prayer . . . you would be better off at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake with a millstone around your neck . . ."

Our current discussion of this issue reflects better science and a more generous spirit, but too many deaths continue. Gay youth attempt suicide three times more often than their straight peers. According to an article in the Deseret Morning News of April 23, 2006, Utah leads the nation in suicides of men age 15-24.

I recently received an e-mail (quoted with permission) from a woman in Utah who said, "I'm in agony over the suicide death two months ago of my youngest son, Marshall, age 25, a gay student who was a senior in chemical engineering at the U. of U. He knew all about spreading love but didn't feel enough in return to keep him going. On my refrigerator I have a package of flower seeds marked, in his writing, '5/1.' That was the day he was going to plant them. He didn't make it that long, so I'll plant them for him - next spring."

The stories keep coming: A woman in my ward just told me of two gay nephews who both took their lives; a woman in the airport recently told me of three LDS gay boys who killed themselves in her neighborhood in Bountiful.

The dozens of stories I personally know are the tip of the awful iceberg. I think of Stuart Matis, an LDS celibate gay man who shot himself on the steps of the stake center in Los Altos, Calif., as a direct result of the intense religious rhetoric around a "protection of marriage" initiative similar to the one proposed in California today.

One of the historians of Mountain Meadows, Ron Walker, says that he's "come to see the massacre as a cautionary tale in making judgments about those who are different" and that the story "is a case study in how not to apply religion and how one should apply true religion in one's own life."

I believe, with these historians, that we LDS people are hungry for the truth and that we want to apply true religion in our lives. I believe with Anne Frank that people are really good at heart and I know that there is no better heart than the Mormon heart, leader and member alike.

I believe that if the rider had reached Salt Lake in time, Brigham Young would have done what he could to avert the massacre in southern Utah. Many messengers today, of which I am one, have ridden in with reports and pleas for help regarding the ongoing self-slaughter of so many of our best and beautiful young men.

For many it is too late. For others - if you and I care enough - we can change history.

---
* CAROL LYNN PEARSON is a native Utahn who lives and writes in California. She is the author of the stage play, "Facing East," the story of an LDS couple dealing with the suicide of their gay son. Her most recent book is "No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones."

Some Tunes I Like.

2008-08-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I do love Rachael Yamagata's music.

So Much In So Little Time

2008-08-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed that at the start of the summer I was barely even able to look myself in the mirror because I felt so scared. I was so afraid that by being true to myself no one would accept me, love me. I probably felt this way because I was not able to accept and love myself for who I was. I have in the last few months found that being gay has not changed me. I am still the same crazy person I was before. But how do you tell that to the people you are the closest to. I have come out to my best friends, and some friends here in Utah who have been very supportive. Change is a natural cycle. We all must change. My family and friends have seen that I have changed and they do not understand, but I feel I am more whole, more complete.

Over the past month I have really felt strongly that I needed to come out to one of my best friends. I came out to my best guy friend, but it was harder for me to tell her. I don't know why. I just could not say the words. I could not say, I am gay. Even though I knew that was my truth. She knew deep down that this was my truth, but could not just ask me. So instead of saying words I felt like I could not say, I sent her here, to read my words. Somehow it was easier for me to do it that way. Later when talking on the phone I asked her if she knew how many times in my life I had been asked if I was gay. I can't even count. I just needed her to say that she knew and it was ok. But I know that this is going to be a hard thing for her. She told me that as many times as I had been asked, she had been asked and she always said I wasn't. I thanked her for having my back. I thank her now for having the respect and decency to allow me to find my truth in my own time. I really have been blessed with amazing friends.

So now what? Well, I feel bad that I didn't have enough courage to go to my family first. I think this is something that would tear my mother apart. You see my father passed away 2 years ago. Of course something I regret is that I never was able to be honest with him completely. Although I know he is out of pain and in a better place, I still miss him every single day. I wish that I would have had more time with him. So my mom has had to deal with a lot in the past few years. I feel coming out to her would be the worst thing I could do at this time.

However, last night we were having a discussion about religion. She does know that I have chosen to distance myself from the LDS church. There are many reasons, and being gay is just one of them. However, she did not know the extent that I had removed myself. She did know that I do not attend church, but not that I no longer wear garments. This was a hard thing for her. She told me she felt like I was throwing away everything. How could I tell her then? How could I break my mother's heart even more. I couldn't, so I didn't. I told the same old lies that I just needed time away to work things out for myself. That I was trying to find out who God is for me and what I believe. That is the truth mostly, but there is more to it than that. So after last night I decided that I could not tell her in person or over the phone. The best way I think is through a letter. But then I feel so disrespectful to the woman who gave me life. I think that this is one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life.

Anyway, so I have basically decided to write my family a letter, but I need some help. I wish this were as simple as saying that I don't like tomatoes, or sushi. I wish that over a nice dinner I could just say, "hey I'm gay, isn't that great!" like I had just got a new job or planned an exotic vacation. But it is not that easy. It will never be that easy. I know in some sense she will feel like she failed me. She already said that last night about my church attendance. I just hope that somehow I could let her know that she was an amazing mom.

My parents are both amazing. My Dad was the kindest, loving, funny, caring person I have ever known. There was never a person that my father didn't love. And if he did have hard feelings he would serve and get to know you until he loved you. My mother always cared for us the best that she knew how. She was so supportive of everything I have ever done. I remember directing a musical in my town. My parents weren't just watchers in the crowd, they were in the chorus! I have amazing parents!

So how do I do this? How do I tell the secret that I have been carrying inside of me my whole life? It is too late to tell my dad. I feel that my secret has made me push my family away from me. I don't know how to let them be a part of my life while I am hiding my true self from them. So I retract and I hide, and I don't let them know all of the truth, just the truth I want them to see. My made-up truth, to keep everyone at bay. But the time has come where physically, emotionally, and spiritually I can no longer live that way. So I hope that through my honesty they will not see me as a monster. But they will see me as the son, and brother, and uncle that I have always been.

So this is my struggle. I feel like I cannot progress any further in my life until I can allow my family to see me through my eyes. To see what I have been living with. And hopefully through this experience we can grow together. I just hope that they do not see this as a trial given from God to help their faith grow. I hope that they will see that this is just a small part of who I am. And I could never grow and be whole while I was hiding. So this is where I am at. Any advice?

What I know....

2008-08-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today I received a comment on my blog. At first I was kind of upset about the comment, but I decided it would be better for me to respond in a different way. I posted this response in the comment section. However, i felt today that this response kind of sums up who I am. So I am posting both the comment and my response here as well.

The Comment:

Rod and Lynda said...

Hey, It's really pretty simple if you just live your life the way the Prophets have counseled us.There is no such thing as being Gay. Satan is just deceiving many. There is even new, real scientific proof that you are not born that way. Check out the book ~ The Gay Hoax. I really hope that you get the real truth in your life. There are professional counselors that can help you with this problem.

The Response:

Rod and Lynda,

Thanks for the comment. I don't quite know how to respond to this post other than I know where you are coming from. I am Mormon, but I am also gay. I have been attracted to my same gender for as long as I can remember. And before you think that I am gay because my father was not around or I had an overbearing mother I want you to realize that I came from loving parents, who strived to live the gospel the best that they knew how and to teach us as well. I have tried to follow the prophets my whole life. I always felt like God did not love me the same as he loved other members of the church because I was different. I thought maybe the more faithful I was then God would make me "normal." I served a mission and tried to do what I thought the Lord expected me to do. I never regret the time that I spent serving others. It taught me how to love and how to be accepting of others and their beliefs. I attend BYU; I hoped that by being in an environment where I was surrounded by other members would help me. I feel that being in this environment it has only magnified these differences.

I know that whatever I say in this blog you may not agree with. I did not start this blog to gain approval from anyone. I started this blog as a way for me to write the things that I was feeling. I make no apologies for the words that I have written. In fact I think it is very important for members of the church to challenge what the church authorities say. If you have done that and feel that you are completely right, I can respect that. However, I know what my personal truth is. I know what I have found and though it may not follow the Mormon faith exactly, I am at peace. I feel my Heavenly Fathers love and have a stronger relationship with him now, than I ever have before. You may think that this is impossible, that you cannot be gay and Mormon. I just want you to know that regardless of the blinders you have on, there are gay people in this world. And just like everyone else we want to be loved and to love. We have come from many different backgrounds and faiths. We have much to give and share with this world.

I sense from your comment that you may know someone who has recently decided to come out to you. I hope that this person still feels like a part of your family. I hope that you have shown this person the love and respect that they deserve as a child of God. I recently read a book by a Mormon woman named Carol Lynn Pearson called “No More Goodbyes.” I hope you will get a copy of this book and read it with an open heart to try to understand that there are people even in your own families who are gay and daily struggle to reconcile those feelings while remaining true to their beliefs. I also hope that after reading this you will call your loved ones who are gay and let them know that they are loved.

In the past few months as I personally been trying to find my way that I have learned that God is love. I feel like I have been taught to love others regardless of their beliefs, orientation, race, or circumstances. I think this is the way that God would want us to be. I hope you know that even though we have never met I love you as a child of God. And wish you the very best on your journey.

Blind Date

2008-08-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so this post is simply to get some advice from everyone else. I have an old roommate from BYU who is now married and has a kid on the way (Go Figure!) And he is always calling me to go to the OWLZ games at UVU. But I am not really a baseball fan. I like basketball much more. Anyway, I haven't ever gone. So last night he calls me and asks if I wanted to go out to eat with him and his wife to wingers. Ok so I have been dogging him all summer, so I said yes. Well right before we are suppose to meet he calls and tells me that this other girl (I honestly can't remember her name) is going to come as well. He is setting me up on a blind date. So I am like crap! I don't want to go on a blind date and I don't want to come out to him yet either. It is another one of those situations where I think I just wont come out to him and then when I move it won't really matter.

Anyway, so I went to dinner and the girl came as well. She was nice enough, although it was really awkward because she kept asking the first date questions over and over. I was kind of annoyed. And of course we had to talk about missions and the church and I had to pretend like I was active. Lies, I hate it. Anyway, so I bought her dinner and then made up some lame excuse as to why I couldn't hang out anymore that night. But I am sure that my friend will try to push the issue by inviting me and her to more events. What should I do. It is not fair to lead this girl on, but I am also not ready to come out to this friend yet. They are WAY conservative and I am sure it would not go over very well. And I honestly think I don't need to tell him anyway. This was the 1st time i had seen them in almost 2 years! I hate being put in this position. Any suggestions?

Being Honest...

2008-08-02T00:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes telling the truth is the hardest thing. I recently decided that I am going to try to completely honest about myself, which is not always easy. So here is a story...

I kind of accidentally outed myself on Facebook. OK, so I started this online community called Qsaints.com (see post below) and on the site it allows you to add "badges" to other social networking websites. This lets other people know that you joined Qsaints.com. Well I thought it would let me see it installed and then I would just see how it worked and delete it. (I am not ready to be fully out yet!) Anyway I tried one of the badges and I wasn't sure it worked because it never said anything. So I was like this is dumb, and I went on with life.

Fast-forward a few days. So I was online the other day and my friend IM's me and says she needs to talk to me about something important. She asked if I would rather we talk in person or over chat. OK, so I knew what she was going to ask. This is a good friend, but I was unsure if I would tell her. You know sometimes I think it is just easier to not have to face every single person. But I should have thought about that twice because we are good friends. I just was unsure how she would take it, and I am not ready to be out to everyone.

Earlier in the day we were chatting about another friend of ours from college who recently told us he was gay. Anyway, we had kind of discussed that. I had actually told him a few days earlier, because I wanted some advice. So later on in the day when we were chatting she just asked me, "Are you Gay? " I have decided that I am going to be completely honest and not hide anything. If someone is brave enough to ask, I am going to answer. So I did. I told her yes this is something that I am dealing with. We talked about it a lot. I even gave her the link to this blog. I thought if I am going to be open, and honest, then I need to be open and honest. Does that make sense? But then after I gave her the link I was really nervous, because I was really putting myself out there. This person seriously knows everyone I know, from Arizona and Utah. So it is weird. Anyway, it went well. She said she saw on Facebook that I joined the Qsaints.com website. DAMN mini feeds. She said she never goes to my page, but she felt like she was prompted to go to my page and she read that mini-feed.

So i was nervous how this will effect our friendship. I mean telling the truth is always the best answer, it is just not always the easiest. I wish sometimes that could still hide behind a mask, and be honest. But it is not possible. You have to step out and be truthful. I just feel so vulnerable sometimes, but I know that being truthful and honest is a better road to travel. So I continue on the journey.

Better or Worse?

2008-07-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am an optimist by nature. I think I am pretty blessed. I have a great family, place to live, I am able to get a college education. I have a car and a job. So I think my life is pretty good. I am sure there are things in my life that I would like to change. I wish I was more understanding, that I didn't have a temper, that it was easier for me to make friends. But overall I have to feel pretty good. Do I think I am where I thought I would be five or ten years ago? Not really, but I can't complain. I am studying what I love and I have a job doing it. I am able to find beauty in this world. So the journaling question for today is "Do you think you live better or worst than most the people you know?" I think that my life could be worse, and I think that most people are greatful for the people and opportunities they have in their lives. I hope that because I feel blessed I can use what I have been given to bless the lives of others who might not feel like their lives are blessed.

Wants and Needs

2008-07-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I should write in my journals (that right I have a few and I start a new one all the time but I never get very far in writing in them.) Anyway, so today I thought I would do a writing prompt. basically what it is is each day of the year has a question for you to answer in your journal. Since this blog has become my journal i thought I would do it here. So today's question is...

For you what is the difference between wants and needs?

It is funny that this is the question for today, because I was just talking to my sister in law about this yesterday on facebook. We realized that in my family we are not very good with money. I wish I was. However, if I want something I usually just go get it. This has not been very good for me, and it is something that I am trying to change about myself. It is funny because I think I get this trait from my mother. She came from a middle class family, however, they never had to worry about money. If she wanted it, they mostly got it. Which surprises me that my family is like this, because we were not well off. My father was sick and disabled my entire life. He worked hard making things to sell to support our family. However, we were always taken care of. I remember though sometimes telling my dad that I wanted something and he would say, "Want in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster." I know this could sound cruel, but I think it was his way of teaching us that we can't always have what we want. I am still trying to learn this lesson. I wish I was a pro at it by now but I am not. Anyway, I am still trying to teach myself that a want is something that I can probably live without, whereas a need is something that I cannot and must be taken care of. Sometimes I think I need to buy a new shirt or shoes (I love me some shoes,) but I don't always need them. I NEED to learn to save money and plan for the future.

this is how I feel sometimes

2008-07-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on the Matis Fireside

2008-07-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so I didn't think I was going to get to go to the fireside yesterday, but I did end up dragging myself up there. I really enjoyed it. I wasn't able to stick around and meet anyone, but I did enjoy the speaker. Here are a few thoughts about what was talked about.

I liked some of the his quotes that he shared. My favorite was when he said that God works with imperfect people. Isn't that the truth.

He asked what we wanted at our core more than anything: Love and Acceptance

He said to tell the truth about your self, be seen, and only then can you be accepted. I thought this was a great. It made me think that I do need to be honest with myself and others and be confident and proud about who I am. Then I can be accepted and loved by myself and others. If you constantly lie and hide behind what you think others perceptions are of you then you are not fully living. I can't live a lie anymore. I do not want artificial acceptance and imitation love. I want to be real and have others love me because I am real and honest.

Then he read this poem...

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator, an honest-to-God creator, of the person that is me if you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to.

Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

I think it was very important for me to go to this fireside. Even though I am not religious, I felt a strong connection to the things that were said. I felt a strong feeling when he talked about getting rid of the "us/them Paradigm." As I drove home last night I just kept thinking about how I have removed myself from everyone else, because I didn't think I fit in with "them." I should not and cannot judge others when I don't want them to judge me.

I had a conversation the other day with a co-worker about the church and things got a little heated. She actually called me anti-mormon, which really hurt my feelings. No one had ever called me that before. Anyway, I was trying to get her to understand that God gave us brains and we should use them to make choices and to understand others points of view. She thought I was calling all mormons "droids" or "robots." I think coming to the fireside opened my eyes, that there are members of the church who know and love gay famioy and friends and who are supportive.

I sat next to a woman on the back row. I was really impressed with her. I hope she comes to the meetings again, as I feel like I need to get to know her. Anyway, she was my teacher in the exercise. She is a newly divorced mother of a 25 year old gay son. She was so cute she got out her pictures to show me his picture. Anyway, once I heard her quietly say that part of the baptisimal covenant was to bear one anothers burdens. Oh my gosh I had forgotten, that to truly have joy I have to bear anothers burden so they may be lighter.

I don't know her name, but next time I see her, if I ever do again I am going to thank her for teaching me (again) how to be selfless. I hope that even though I may not be religious and go to church or believe in the gospel 100%, I can still help others carry their burdens and along the way maybe my own will get a little lighter as well.

Oh No your in trouble...

2008-07-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

I read an article today about a guy who made a calendar featuring men posed as Mormon missionaries and then them posed with their shirts off. Anyway, apparently he is now having to go to a church disciplinary council meeting. I think it is kind of funny actually. So we will have to watch the news to see what happens. Read the story in the SLC Tribune or go visit Mormons Exposed to meet the missionaries. Also let me know what you think about this issue.

What to do next...

2008-07-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am stuck. I felt such happiness after coming out to my best friend, but now I feel stuck and alone again. I want so badly to be surrounded by others who feel the same way that I do, to have friends who know I am gay and yet still want to be around me. I am alone. I don't know how it got this way, but slowly over time I have realized that I lack in relationships. I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for people to confide in, to talk to, laugh with and just be myself. How does this happen? I have thought about going to a bar or to a club to meet people, but I think that that is stupid (and I don't want to go alone!) Anyway, tonight I was just wishing that my life could be fuller. That I could be myself. To live with dignity and strength, but I know that life will never be full until there are others to share it with. I looked up gay support groups. I thought that maybe if I could go to a group then maybe I would feel better. I would have interaction and camaraderie. Well I live in the shit hole known as Provo. And of course I could not find any such groups.

We are all pushed so far back in the closet that a support group is not even feasible here. I am sad, I thought that maybe I would find one that I could go to and learn. You see I am new to this whole thing. I admire those bloggers who I read that are young and open to their feelings. It has taken me 27 years to get to the point of coming to terms with who I am and trying to stop acting like I am something else. Although I admit this is an uphill battle, I feel as though things are looking up. I just need a little extra support to make it all the way. So tonight my questions are...What is the next step in feeling complete and whole? Where can I turn for support and friendship? What do I do next?

Independence Day

2008-07-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

OK so I know I am a few days early for the title of this post, but this is how I feel right now. I feel free. I came out to my best friend last night. I don't honestly know how it happened, but it did. Here is the story...

I was looking out my window last night and noticed that there was some thunderstorm action taking place outside. One of the things I miss most about Arizona is the monsoon season. I love the warm wind and the dark clouds. Anyway, looking out my window I missed that so I decided to go for a walk. Just as I was getting on my shoes and heading out my cell phone rang. It was my best friend. He lives out of state, and I don't get to talk to him very often. So I thought what a great time to chat while I am heading out for a walk.

At first we talked about all the superficial stuff, you know how are his kids ( he is a good Mormon and has two kids and one on the way at 29), how is his wife (who I love...she is awesome!) and what is going on in both of our lives. Then we started discussing politics. I voiced my approval of gay marriage. He then told me a theory he had about gay marriage. He was worried that he would upset me with the theory (Remember I hadn't told him anything about my sexuality yet). He posed both sides of the theory of homosexuality. On one hand he said that one could be born with the tendency towards homosexuality. He said that this would be considered a defect as it was against the way that man and woman were created and thus by practicing and accepting homosexuality, we were basically dooming our race. On the other hand he said that homosexuality could be a learned behavior. He did say he that he leaned towards the latter theory and that individuals who practice this were able to change, or that if they weren't they should live a celibate life and follow the teachings of the church.

I kindly tried to explain to him why I felt that homosexuality is genetic and how it is unfair to ask individuals who are homosexual and Mormon to be alone their whole lives. I told him I felt that God would be more caring and loving than that, to make an individual gay and then expect them to be alone. I think that it is contradictory to impose that on people while flaunting their heterosexual happiness.

So we started talking about the church and why I have chosen to distance myself from the church. And how that plays into my education at BYU. Believe me it is very complicated and something I struggle with, because while being true to myself, I don't want to be a hypocrite. Anyway, during the course of this conversation (which lasted 4 hours) my friend all the sudden just asked me how long I knew I was gay. I was kind of shocked at his bluntness and relieved that I wouldn't have to bring up the conversation. I told him I knew as long as I knew what attraction and sex were. I told him how I had hidden it. He told me he loved me unconditionally and that he felt that God and made our paths cross for a specific purpose. I have felt that strongly as well.

He told me that he was afraid that I would begin to live a homosexual lifestyle and loose all my morals. I assured him that just because one is gay does not mean that they have no morals. Anyway, he told me that he had known I was gay for a long time, and he thought that I knew he knew. And that no matter what it did not change our friendship and that he still loved me.

This was an amazing experience. I went to bed last night with a huge smile on my face. I knew that this was no longer a secret that I had to harbor inside. I knew that my friend loved me for me as an individual and that my sexuality did not change that. I know that there will be harder roads to climb, but it is great to know that my best friend will be there to support me. He has before and I feel comforted to know that God gave me this friend to help me in my time of need. I am truly blessed. The world is a bright and wonderful place!

A story that haunts me...

2008-06-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

I don't really know if anyone is even reading this, so mostly this blog is a way for me to think things through. I thought I would stop being stupid and actually write on this blog. I know that the quotes and stuff always help me but I think there is something therapeutic about telling your story. So here it goes, sorry if it is long and boring. The other night I was talking with a very old friend and I told her a story I don't think I have ever told anyone, (my parents know) but I haven't ever told anyone else. When I was in high school I was very involved with a lot of stuff. I was in student government, choir president, cross country (only for a while I wasn't very good at running), theater, S.A.D.D. ect...I was busy. I was known in the school, but only because there was only about 400 people in our school. I was semi popular, but not with the jock crowd. I was a choir boy, I was in band, and in plays, I danced and so that was not so cool. I tried dating girls in high school, I always asked girls to dances and on dates with my friends, but there was never any connection there. Sure we had a good time, but it was more like friends. And I think it was the same for them, I have always just been "the friend."

I had two best friends, one boy and one girl. I will leave out their names though. Anyway, my friend and I had always said we would go to senior prom together. We had been friends since 3rd grade. So we went and had a great time. We got there a little late and quickly got in line to have our pictures taken. While we waited though they announced the Prom Royalty. Well I won Prom King. I was shocked. I didn't really think I would have won usually that goes to a jock. But it was fun and prom was great, although I really didn't get to dance with my friend very much because of all the pictures and stuff we had to do as royalty. Remember we were late. I got home later that night and it was a great time. Later however, I realized that it had all been a huge joke. I received phone calls all night long from "anonymous" callers yelling profanities through the phone. Calling me Fag, Queer, Prom Queen. Threatening me and my parents and telling me that the whole school voted for me as a big joke. It was so scary that we had to have a police officer monitor our house for a few days.

Ok so I was telling this story to my friend the other day (I am preparing to come out to her) and she kept saying, "Michael, why does this matter? who cares what anyone thinks if it is not true?" I just couldn't tell her that it is true. That's whyI felt so vulnerable that night and to this day because I was horrified that someone would threaten me for being me. I had never told anyone I was gay, but yet they knew and that scared me. And now my parents had been threatened and screamed at for having a gay son. I played it off well, and I will always be greatful to my parents for their support that night, but it still really upset me.

Now the problem why this has still bugged me after all these years is that I did not stand up for myself. I let them verbally abuse me and my loved ones and yet I still lived the lie. I allowed them to push me deeper and deeper into "my closet" I acted the part of the straight kid from there on out. I went on a mission to make my family happy, I have always lived my life to act the part that someone else wanted. But I can't do it anymore. Call me Fag, Queer whatever they like. I am who I am and I love me. I know that others will be held accountable for their actions, and I will be held accountable for mine. So it is up to me to live the best life that I know how and to influence others for good.

A POEM

2008-06-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

This poem was one that I collected as a student at Show Choir Camps of America. Each summer our high school show choir would attend these camps. They were really fun. Anyway, one of our choreographers David gave us this poem. I loved it and it hung in my room for a long time. I recently just found it and thought I would post it here.

Accept Me

I Am I
Do not change me
condemn me
nor put me down
Accept me for what I am
No...you need not agree with me
But accept me
for I am total in being
I have my faults
I have my guilts
But that is who I am
Perfect I will never be
Allow me to be uninhibited
Do not pressure me into feeling
what I do not feel
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accepted you when
you were flying high
Do not put me down...nor make
me feel unhappy about me
I am I
and I like being what I am
Me.

-Larry S. Chengges

Opps!...They did it again.

2008-06-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it surprised me really, I mean the stance of the church regarding homosexuality has always been the same. I guess I am a little more liberal than most when I say that I was saddened to read the letter that will be read in Churches across California this Sunday. I also do not believe that the church needs to read letters across the pulpit. The church as a whole knows that their stance is on the subject. I feel that church is for worship NOT political statements. What gets me the most is the call to members to "do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman." As I read the news article at work I thought of my own family. I thought of what must be going through their heads when this is read by their bishop. I wondered about the many families of Gay LDS children who must sit and listen while political statements are broadcast in a house of worship. How would they feel? How would my own family react? Would they give money and time to a cause that hurt one of their own? I hope they would not, but I am not sure really. I think that the church does alot of good, and I know they will never change, even though I have, it makes me sad.

So a little while after reading the article, I was able to discuss the issue with one of my co-workers. I was trying to feel out her stance on the issues of homosexuality and the church. She stated and I agree that legal rights should be granted to homosexual couples. Then she began arguing that by allowing the unions of Gay couples the family is threatened. I do not agree on this point. I think that the family structure will survive as long as there are individual couples who want to populate the earth. She also said that marriage is a religious ceremony, and thus gays and lesbians should not be allowed to participate. But who says that this community is not religious. I for one used to think of myself as very religious. I also think that it is only a word, marriage- if someone decided long ago that this word meant what we now know as an apple we might be eating "marriage" slices with peanut butter. I know I am being a little facetious, but it is true, the act of allowing two people to express their love for one another does not take away from marriage at all. It only allows more people the possibility for love. I know that the Church does not share my views, and that is ok. God gave us brains so we could use them, and figure things out on our own. It is my hope that the people in our country will use them to honestly question why things are the way they are, why they must follow traditions, or why they should change to allow others the same respect and dignity that all humans should have as children of God.

Quote #3

2008-06-22T22:10:00.002-07:00

Another Quote

2008-06-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have been silent

2008-06-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

I just realized thanks to potetante that I haven't really blogged in almost a month. I would say that I guess life gets busy, but that would be lying. Honestly, I thought whats the point. But alas here I am blogging again. Really something deep down in side of me likes to write out my feelings. I guess it is theraputic...or something.So this month I decided that I was sick of living a lie. I'm guessing that all "closeted" gay mormons have felt this way. I am just not able to be my true self and feel completely whole as an individual while hiding myself. So I decided to get a few books and read them to try to ease my mind. Sorry this is going to be a long blog post as I describe how I felt my many readings.

I started out my journey by reading In Quiet Desperation.

I got halfway through the book and I had to stop reading. I was raised Mormon, my whole family is very devout, I go to BYU and I am Gay. I love many of my mormon friends and family. However, I have chosen to distance myself from the Church. I stopped going because I just didn't feel like I fit in. I love the church, but I felt like it did not apply to my needs and struggles. My Father died two years ago this week, and after his death I felt alot of hurt. I honestly stopped believing. Believing in God, Heaven & Hell, Church, almost everything. Of course I felt like how could I believe in a God that "created man in HIS image" and then send me to hell for feelings of love towards another man. I guess I still struggle with this idea. Anyway, I degressed from the blog subject...sorry. I couldn't finish reading this book because I felt like the whole theme of the book was that having Same Sex Attraction is ok, and you won't be judged as long as you are true and faithful to the church and never act on the feelings. I think that is like telling a heterosexual man or women never to act on the love that they feel. Never to hold hands feel companionship of another individual for seeing your worth as a human. I could not do it.
Twenty-Seven years of my life I have lived this theory. I dated in High School (Girls who I felt were more like good old friends) I did the whole church thing. I did exactly as I was told. Pass the sacrament, Home teaching, Mission, ect...I asked my mom the other day what kind of kid I was and she said, "You were a great kid." I never got into trouble my friends and I did wholesome things. For hell sake I have never even drank or smoked. I live the mormon lifestyle and I like it. But I will never be good enough because I am attracted to men. I have been as long as I can remember. And I fall short of the bar that is set. I can not handle having someone else tell me that I have to live alone and be alone for the rest of my to be accepted in the eyes of God. I believe my God would not be so cruel.

I then switched to reading No More Goodbyes by Carol Lynn Pearson.

This is a wonderful book. I reccomend it to all Mormon Gay Men. It helped me alot to know that there are other Men and Women who were raised in the Mormon faith who struggle with the same things that I struggle with. Carol Lynn has such an honesty and love in the tone that the book is written. There is no judgement only concern and love. I am planning on sending this book to my mother when I finally tell her. It was great to hear the supportive words come from a Mormon mother how has dealt first hand with the issues that effect indivduals in our community. Go read this book, if you haven't already. Also if you have read it lets have a discussion about it!

I then started reading a book called Now That You Know.

This is a book that was written by two mothers whose children are gay and it discusses the issues through the eyes of these mothers and other parents who find out their children are gay. The book is a little out dated as it was written in the 70's (way before my time!) but most of the stories I still connect with. However, because it is not written from an LDS perspective, I don't think it wouldbe good for my family because it talks alot about gay bars and the gay scene, which I am not a part of really. I can't really give a good reveiw of how I felt with this book completely, because I am not done with it. I interupted my reading of it to read another book.

So right now I am reading a book I just got in the mail from Amazon.com called Outing Yourself.

You know I ordered this book and I am about half way through it. So far it has been enlighting. It is good to just have some steps to follow on how to let my family know. I mean just recently have I actually been able to identify myself as a gay man. However, that does not make the process any easier with being honest with myself and others. I am not obviously gay. Meaning I don't think you would just be able to point me out in a crowd and say "hey he's gay." I guess that didn't stop kids in my High School from seeing so easily what I didn't want to be true. But after years and years of denial and struggling to feel self worth one has to come to the realization that you cannot live your life for everyone else. You have to be true to yourself and be 100% comfortable with that person. I believe that we all have so much to give in this world. I know I feel like I have been given opportunities to help others grow as well as my own self. But hiding behind a facade has not helped me to open up and share who I really am. Gay is only like 1/10 of my whole being. It does not define who I am, it is merely a small part of my complex being. But right now as I am struggling to come out to my close friends and family I feel like it is the only thing. I feel like it is screaming from me that I can't live any longer as a hidden person. It is not in our nature to be something that we are not, eventually that "acting" if you will, will swallow our whole being and we will be lost in a sense. I ramble, sorry I hope that makes sense. Anyway, this book is divided into 14 steps and exercises. I will list them here. Sorry I know this is long, but if you have read this far, I think it is worth to keep going to the end or all that time reading would be wasted!

Step 1: Identifying Yourself. I think we have all done this to a degree. We wouldn't be blogging about life as a gay Mormon if we hadn't. However, the book tries to get you to identify with the good things that the Gay and Lesbian Community has done and look past all the stereotypes. As Mormons we have all dealt with stereotypes and know how ridiculous they are, so we especially should see through them.
Step 2: Recognizing Self-Loathing and Developing Self-Respect. Wow I think this is a hard hurdle to cross over. I mean it is ingrained in us that what we "are" or the lifestyle we "have chosen" is the worst sin. If you believe in God, how do you simply get over this. Anyway, I think that this is a very important step to feeling whole and complete.
Step 3: Learning the Truth about being Gay. What we need to find out what being gay means and how this discovery will affect us. Also, I think that most people think that because they are gay, that they must completely go against all their morals. I think that we can still hold our morals close while still being true to ourselves as a gay individual.
Step 4: Meeting Other Gay People. I think that this is something that I long for. For friends who know who I am and who are similar to me in many ways. Because of the culture in Utah I feel it is hard to meet other gay individuals. That is why I originally started this blog. It has been nice to know that others are like me and are going through the same things I currently am, or at least have at one time. And if I can be a support to anyone, just let me know. It is nice to know someone cares.
Step 5: Developing a Family of Friends: This step is basically just like the step before, but it is talking about have a suport network of friends to discuss with and give support to.
Step 6: Telling your Best Friend. I have been trying to do this. I have two best friends one boy one girl. I think the girl suspects that I am gay, although I have not been able to say those words to her yet. I am just nervous to her reaction. I will so though, I will post on how it goes.

This is where I am in the book so far, so I will just list the other steps without commentary (which I am sure you are glad for!)

Step 7: Coming out to Other Friends
Step 8: That First Talk
Step 9: Keeping the Discussion Going
Step 10: Bringing Home Your Gay Friends and Partners
Step 11: Understanding and Assesing the Sexual Nature of the Workplace
Step 12: Letting Co-Workers Find Out
Step 13: Helping Others to Come Out
Step 14: Not Thinking About it at All

Ok so there you go. I hope there was some interesting or at least insightful thoughts in this really long post. I just thought since I hadn't posted in a while I might as well tell ALL that I have been reading and thinking about. Anyway, thanks for reading and Have a great one!

Not so much a quote, but a POEM this time...

2008-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was thinking about my dad and some of the things that he taught me. This is because I was listening to thestrippingwarrior.blogspot.com and Clark was talking about truth and what we have been taught and how truth resonates within us. However, during his response I was reminded of a poem my dad made me and my brother memorize once when we were having a fight. This was an important lesson that I was taught by my father. So tonight I thought I would write this poem on my blog. So here it is, I don't know who wrote this so if anyone knows I would be grateful to know...

Boys Flying Kites haul in their white winged birds,
You can't do that when you are flying words.
Careful with fire is good advice we know,
Careful with words is ten times doubly so.
Words unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead,
but God himself can't stop them once their said.

That's so...Gay?

2008-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have already established that I have not come out to anyone yet. I kind of hate the term "coming out of the closet" I just don't understand it. let me preface that by saying that I know it means that you have been hiding, but why a closet.

Anyway, that is not so important, I am just rambling. So at work it is not uncommon for people to say "That's so gay" or "Faggot" or other slang words like that. Usually I just take it all in stride, but lately it has been really bothering me. When I first started the job my boss decided one day as we were working to discuss to me how disgusting he thought gays were. I won't go into details about the conversation here, but I was pretty amazed that we would be having the conversation in the workplace. I didn't know how to react. I simply just listened really. Anyway a co-worker of mine recently got back from a trip to San Fransisco with his family. When my boss asked him how his trip was he immediately followed the question with another question, "Did you marry your boyfriend?" which brought loads of laughter from the whole office. I just thought in my head, why can't all people have the same rights. That is why this country was founded. Anyway, it is amazing to think that we are still surrounded by bigotry.

On another note, I would just like to thank those who have shared there stories through their blogs. As of this week I felt like i was the only "gay BYU student" out there. Because it is such a sheltered environment it is hard to realize that there are others. I have always wondered. anyway, because I am new to the blog scene, i have been reading other blogs that I have found. Many of the stories hit home so much. Anyway, thanks! I don't know if anyone will be reading this blog, but if you are go check out some of the blogs in my link list. These are a few that I have found that have helped my in my own struggles recently.

Quote #1

2008-05-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

I love to receive inspiration wherever I can get it. Sometimes it is from a quote, or a picture, or a funny story. So I decided on this blog to post quotes that have a special meaning to me. I may discuss why they are important to me, and I may not, but here is the first one.

The Beginning of the Story

2008-05-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is my first post to this blog. I am not sure what I am doing, however I felt compelled to create a blog to detail my life and my struggles as a gay man. I am also hoping through this blog that I can get feedback from others who have struggled and survived through maybe the same things I am going through. Through this blog I hope to be able to write what I am feeling...what I am really feeling. Not what I tell everyone else, but who I really am. this is going to be hard for me though, as I have not come out to anyone. But living a double life is killing me and I need to face up to the fact that I AM WHO I AM. And nothing is going to change that.

Because I am not out I have found myself a lonely and confused person. Somehow I wish that my family and friends could know the real me and that I could feel comfortable in my own skin. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I live my life avoiding questions about dating, marriage, future plans, ect. However, as I have been looking inside for answers I have come to love myself as an individual. I know that I have a lot to provide to society, and I am searching for a place to share my voice. It is my hope that through this blog I can find my voice and share it loud and clear, as well find support of individuals who like me struggle each day to live life- with honesty.