weird.

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I once dreamed I was in this amazing sandwich shop. I got my sandwich and commenced eating. To my surprise there was a daddy long-leg spider in place of the sprouts. I was disgusted. When I awoke, I went to the shower. There was a daddy long-leg on the wall. that was a weird day.

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Finding Happiness...

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Well. I wish i could say that I had found it. I am searching. I had a mini (ok maybe it was a bit larger than a min) emotional breakdown tonight. So naturally my first instinct is to spew all that emotion and frustrations onto a blog that will be sent across the internet for the whole world to read, or the 2 or 3 of you who still do. Anyway, tonight I hit a tipping point, the point that I could no longer feel like everything in my life was all happiness and rainbows. It culminated sadly at the two people in my life who love me and care for my emotional wellness, but unfortunately we all live together and sometimes that makes emotions run deep.

I love them. They are literally the best friends that I have. And they are good to me. They listen and hug and care and drive my ass places because I made stupid decisions and no longer have a car. And all in all they are really good friends. And I am lucky to have them in my life, damn lucky. But at the same time I am lacking interactions with friends and people other than these two. So after many many weekends of following them around and tagging along to things they have planned, I hit an emotional wall. I can't live the life that I have anymore. I love them, but I cannot be a 3rd wheel in their relationship any longer. And I long to have and hang out with people who are interested in what I have to say and want to be around me. I used to have that. I used to have tons of friends and people that cared to call and make plans and have wonderful times and experiences with. But they are gone. The friends I do have now are reduced to a number (it's 737 to be exact) of trophy friends. Friends who when I do see them we are honestly happy to see each other but the friendship never amounts to much more than an "like" on a facebook status or a quick chat online.

I just feel out of place here in SLC, in my home, and honestly in myself. I am lacking connections and I feel like my life has been reduced to going to a job that I really cannot stand, all the while trying to save to move to some far away city to try to chase a dream I am not even sure I am talented enough to compete at, then coming home eating dinner and then going to bed and doing the same crap all over again. Oh and did I mention that the place I work barely has enough money to cover our paychecks sometimes pushing payday weeks later than scheduled. Yup it sucks and I am done.

How did I become this person? How did I get this life of looming loneliness? I just need a change of scenery. I keep thinking that at least if I relocated to a new city I would have the task of creating a career for myself and thus distracting myself from "real life." But I am here and I can't just move and start over, mostly because of finances and responsibilities here for a little while. And while I know that running away is not the answer to my problems, it does sound appealing.  I hope though somewhere someone wants to be more than just a number on a website and actually cares enough to get to know me and be a friend when I am really needing some.

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Happy Holidays!

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(click on image to enlarge)

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|| Hilarious ||

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|| Classic ||

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|| Maine Governor Baldacci on Question 1 ||

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Maine's Governor John Baldacci who previously was against Same Sex Marriage, spoke with Rachel Maddow yesterday about Maine's Question 1. This ballot measure seeks to take away rights to same sex couples in Maine. Last spring Maine's Legislature passed a bill that granted Marriage rights to Same Sex Couples and Governor Baldacci signed the bill into law. Groups against same sex marriage then started collecting signatures to have a measure on the ballot to repeal that Law. Please watch this video of a very brave and honest politician who understands the constitution and it's role in protecting rights for ALL citizens.




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|| Hard Graft: iPhone pouch ||

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I love this little Hard Graft phone pouch. The material has a rustic yet elegant feel and the leather money pouch sewn on the side makes this carrying case an all in one. What more do you need. While the prices are based on the Euro, the company ships worldwide. Gotta get me one of these. Also the photography on these products is gorgeous.




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|| Judy Shepard's Thoughts ||

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 President Obama signed the Hate Crimes Bill into law today. And while the bill does not automatically stop hate crimes, it does provide protection for victims of hate crimes by allowing the federal government to charge an individual for a hate crime when a state has no such law. I recently finished the book "The Meaning of Matthew" by Judy Shepard.



If you have not read it, or you think that a hate crimes bill is useless, then I suggest that you read this book. Actually, it is imperative that you read this book.  I never really understood myself why hate crimes legislation was important until I read the story of a mother who lost her son in brutal violence only to, in the height of despair, turn her mourning into action for a community that she had previously only had limited contact with. When this crime happened to Matthew Shepard I was 18 years old and sadly I must have been so engrossed in my own life that I do not remember seeing the story on any of the news. I first heard of his story from my college choir teacher  a few years later. This teacher taught choir at the University of Wyoming  when Matthew was a student there. Never the less Matthew's story is OUR story, because it could have been any one of us tied to that fence that night.  Judy Shepard has become one of my heroes, and today I celebrate with her and the LGTB community in a small victory. It may not be full equality...yet. But today we have won a small battle and I thank Judy and many many others for taking on the battle.



Here are Judy's thoughts on today's historic events and how our work has only just begun...

"When Dennis and I started calling 10 years ago for federal action to prevent and properly prosecute hate crimes against gay, lesbian and transgendered Americans, we never imagined it would take this long," said Judy Shepard, Matthew's mother and the president of the Matthew Shepard Foundation Board of Directors.

"The legislation went through so many versions and so many votes that we had to constantly keep our hopes in check to keep from getting discouraged," she continued. "But with President Obama's support and the continually growing bipartisan majorities in the House and Senate lining up behind the bill this year, it became clear that 2009 was the year it would finally happen."

The legislation allows federal authorities to pursue charges in violent crimes motivated by the victim's actual or perceived sexual orientation, gender, gender identity and disability, in cases where local authorities cannot or will not secure appropriate convictions. It also opens up federal aid to local law enforcement for training, prevention and investigation.

"We are incredibly grateful to Congress and the president for taking this step forward on behalf of hate crime victims and their families, especially given the continuing attacks on people simply for living their lives openly and honestly," Shepard added. "But each of us can and must do much more to ensure true equality for all Americans."

The Matthew Shepard Foundation's work for an inclusive society continues after passage of this landmark legislation. In addition to advocating for workplace and housing equality, equal rights for same-sex couples, and an end to the ban on gay and lesbian military service, the Foundation continues to reach out to schools and corporations nationwide to encourage respect for human dignity and differences.

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